Congratulations!
by The Yaoi Goddess
Summary: It all started, he recalls, the day Dino received an Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual to a Hibari Kyouya unit.


**Disclaimer: KHR is Akira Amano's and the Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual format is Theresa Green's.**

**Was written to help me get over my writer's block. **

Congratulations!

The Cavallone boss stepped out of his bedroom with a feeling of impending doom hanging over his head like a cloud.

"Boss!"  
"Romario. What's wrong?"

Dino sees his subordinates crowding around a curiously tall box – which was quaking rather violently, mind you – in the lounge.

"You see, Boss, a suspicious _package_," Romario points to the offending piece of cardboard, "was delivered straightly to us around midnight, yesterday."

"Do you know what's inside?"

"Well, it says it's from the Gilo famiglia stationed in some city named Manila."

_Where's that?_

"Why don't we open it?"

Upon closer inspection, Dino noticed that the _package_ was sealed with metal _chains. _The red police tape screaming WARNING! in bold didn't escape his eyes either. Before he could open the parcel that would change his sexual orien – err, his life forever, his black-haired right hand man handed him a thick telegram.

"Boss, the messenger who delivered that package said that there would surely be bloodshed if _you_ don't read this before you open their, uhh, gift."

Dino placed a hand against the still-shaking parcel. With the other hand, he slowly – as if he were anticipating a preordained event – turned the pages of the telegram.

_Congratulations, _he read out loud, _you are now the proud owner of a fully-automated handsomely seductive _(ahem)_, bloodthirsty prefect HIBARI KYOUYA unit!_

The don stared in disbelief at the telegram.

"R-Romario…What exactly is a _fully-automated…h-h-handsomely seductive…bloodthirsty prefect HIBARI KYOUYA unit?"_

Romario, too, as well as the other snooping Mafioso, looked skeptical.

"I…I wish I knew, Boss."

Dino skipped the Technical Specifications and proceeded to the instructions on removing the _unit_ from its container.

…_You can either undo the tape and chains very, very slowly or very, very quickly. It depends on how fast you run…_

…_have someone tranquilize the HIBARI KYOUYA unit as soon as it steps out of the box…_

…_knock him out and make haste in programming him…_

…_have a REBORN, MUKURO ROKUDO or SAWADA TSUNYOSHI unit ready, just in case…_

_If all else fails, (don't even think about calling Customer Service!) RUN!_

_Management will not be liable for any death or destruction caused by the HIBARI KYOUYA unit._

By the time he was finished reading, Dino's mouth and eyes were wide open and he was sweating Hyper Dying Will bullets.

"R-Romario…How dangerous do you think this HIBARI KYOUYA is?"

Person in question wiped his glasses and sighed.

"Romario, go find some men. We'll get ready for this HIBARI KYOUYA."

–––––

After the snipers had taken their positions, Dino stepped forward.

"Now remember, men. "

He placed the golden key that came with the telegram into the chain.

"If HIBARI KYOUYA shows any sign of aggression – "

He turned the key,

" – _any_ sign of aggression – "

undid the lock,

" – suppress him immed – "

and was taken out by two glinting metal tonfas.

The box was ripped to pieces.

He heard an, "I'll bite you to death."

And his consciousness faded.

–––––

"_Boss…Boss, wake up."_

Groggily, Dino opened his eyes.

"We have knocked him out. HIBARI KYOUYA is ready for programming."

–––––

Dino turned the telegram to the page of HIBARI KYOUYA's functions

_Your HIBARI KYOUYA unit comes with the following features, _he read.

_Hitman –HIBARI KYOUYA will gladly assist you if you ever need help with disposing of somebody!_

Dino grimaced. Why did they send a hitman to them, of all things? They were Mafioso, they didn't need help when it comes to killing.

_Teen Idol – with his slim, slender physique and smexy voice, HIBARI KYOUYA will surely have the girls – and boys – swooning and drooling over him!_

_Boyfriend – _

Dino had to hesitate before he read this section.

– _who cares if you're taken, engaged or even married? Take our advice, pick your brain up from the gutter and start leaving your mark on HIBARI KYOUYA!_

A growl from HIBARI KYOUYA alerted Dino that the other was already awake.

"Hey," he approached the tied teen in a pacifying manner.

"I'm Dino. What can I call you?"

No response.

"Can I call you Kyouya?"  
"No."

Dino chuckled; Kyouya was adorable!

"You should say sorry for hitting me like that earlier."  
"Hn, herbivore."

H-Herbivore?

Dino ruffled Kyouya's hair. Kyouya glared but said nothing.

It was the start of the beautiful albeit somewhat forced and kinda one-sided relationship that made Dino question his preference.

**OMAKE – **Hitman

"There you are, Kyouya!"

_Hitman function request sent._

"My former tutor, Reborn, says he wants to meet you. He's in Sicily right now an – "

_Hitman function request denied._

"Wait, Kyouya! Reborn only wants to test your strength an – "

_Previous hitman function request accepted._

**OMAKE – **Every Yaoi Fan's Dream

Romario stood by idly as he watched his boss spar with the _unit_.

"Now then," Dino smirked. "How should I tame you, Kyouya?"

Wires connected and sparks flew inside Hibari's fully-automated body.

In a split-second, Hibari was straddling Dino's hips and grabbing him by the collar.

"I won't let you have your way with me tonight, Cavallone."

The bronco panicked.

"WHAT! Have…your way…with me?"

Out of the corner of his eyes, Dino made out the blurry image of Romario making a beeline for the door.

"Romario, wait! This isn't what it looks like!"

Hibari started unbuttoning his polo.

Without any of his subordinates, Dino was easy prey.

"SOMEBODY…REPROGRAM HIM!"

**OMAKE – **Out of Character

"Romario, have you seen Kyouya?"

Romario shifted.

"He's accompanying the long-lost guardian suffering from her tragic past, Boss. She has floor-length, flowing pink hair-which-turns-to-silver-under-the-moonlight and cerulean-azure-ocean-blue eyes."

Dino marveled at the lengthy description before he went to sortie.

–––––

He found Hibari and the long-lost guardian sharing an intimate moment in the garden.

"A rose, by any other name," Hibari reached out a hand to stroke the girl's pink curls. "Is just as sweet."

The female _creature_ delicately giggled. Her laughter resembled the melodious tinkling of bells. It sounded so ethereal, so unreal Dino wanted to puke.

He opted for chucking Enzo at her head.

She expertly caught it with her fingers, as if she had been a Mafioso even before she was born.

Hibari wrapped an arm around her waist and waved at him.

"Dino-san, this is Nanahiko-Lee-Sakura-Janna-Gilo-von-Condor-eu-Britannia-y-Saavedra-nona-Erde. Her nickname is Mary-Sue."

Dino's eyebrows twitched as he tried to remember where he had first heard that nickname.

Her overwhelming pheromones made thinking difficult.

Ah! It was in the Troubleshooting Section!

With much difficulty, he tried to recall what he read.

Q: _Help! Kyou-chan started spewing Shakespeare to some girl who suddenly appeared out of nowhere! I'm afraid they'll elope! HELP MEEE! – Virtue007Dylandy_

A: _Fear not! All you have to do is execute that slut! After that, reprogram your Hibari so he'll forget it ever happened. Please make sure there are no witnesses to the crime._

Dino, who was not the type for violence, sighed.

And, just like that, the battle for Hibari's heart started –

And ended the moment Dino realized he could simply reprogram Hibari.

Congratulations!

**I'm still not over my writer's block. PLEASE leave me a review. Or an advice. It helps. Oh and I might add more OMAKEs. When my muse wakes up.**


End file.
